A little dose of reality (By Jessica)

When I started this entry I typed and deleted, then typed and deleted.  First of all I couldn’t believe it has been over 2 weeks since I posted last and I promise to do better and at least update weekly, if not more.  While trying to decide what to say and how to say it, I came to the realization that I have pushed reality aside lately.  This post is pretty much me talking about reality, mostly mine but still the perspective on my Mom’s.  Reality is, I cannot even type this without bawling because I don’t WANT reality right now.  Which honestly isn’t really like me because I consider myself an “it is what it is” kinda girl, hardened and even jaded in some cases.  Because my mom still looks so beautiful and classy and comes to work like everything is normal  I have let myself believe everything is ok,  but it isn’t !!  Don’t get me wrong, considering what Mom is dealing with EVERYTHING  could be so much worse.  But she still has a battle every day going on inside of her with cancer trying to take over and horrible chemicals from chemo trying to kill everything to keep the cancer from taking over.  Her new normal of being so tired that every day stuff wipes her out and seeing herself in the mirror every day and wondering who’s reflection is looking back.  I heard her say to someone the other day that she had finally had a day where she just couldn’t quit crying because it was all just too much  And that NOTHING about her felt like HER anymore.  Part of me was so relieved to hear her say that she was human and that she can have a bad day and feel bad about what is going on.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want her to be down and depressed all of the time about it, but I do want her to feel like it is ok to have a bad day and say how awful it is and how bad it sucks that she has to deal with it.  However, in hearing her say this, the other part of me was completely breaking inside.  I want to tell her that she looks so normal and beautiful all the time and I want her to FEEL that way.  Our day to day realities can change so quickly and be affected by so many things that having the strength to know when to hang on for the ride and the knowledge to know when we can and need to alter our course can seem impossible at times.  My mom’s reality is a combination of both right now and impressively she of course maintains the balance of all of it.  She finished her first 3 months of chemo last Tuesday and now has two test this week to see how and or if it has affected the cancer.  The anticipation of it feels like a physical weight on my own chest and I asked her yesterday if it was making her crazy.  She says to me, no……  It is what it is and I cannot change it.  WHY can I not be as strong and incredible and my mom ??? In my mind I have put myself in her shoes many many times knowing that part of my reality could be that I will actually be faced with this in my future.  I have had moments of overwhelming fear for all of the people I love.  My mind has created cancer in people that I cannot live without.  I have had thoughts and feelings of helplessness that everyone is going to be taken from me, or even that my kids will grow up without me because I was sure that I will have cancer.   Just typing this I realize how seriously crazy and hypochondriac it all sounds.  Because at the end of the day it all comes down to dealing with reality when it’s actually reality, and appreciate the great things we all have going on in our realities right now.  If nothing else, it should make us realize how short life truly is and how much we cannot control so we need to spend it with the people we love. We have no idea what the future holds or what this week’s test results will reveal but mom is strong and amazing so we will deal with it as it comes.  Please know that part of her strength comes from everyone supporting her and calling her or stopping by her house with dinner.  Intuition tells me that she still has a long road ahead and I don’t want anyone to be like me and let her outward strength and appearance cause them to not acknowledge what she is fighting. THANK YOU SO much to those who have helped us with her “12 days of chemo” gifts.  It was so awesome to know that every day when she came home from chemo there would be some kind of gift waiting to cheer her up a little !!