So much has happened in the last few months. Mom had been doing well on the "Red Devil" but because it can be so hard on your heart they had to switch her to a different chemo. The "Red Devil" truly was an angel compared to this new crap. I dont even know what it is called but one of the biggest side effects is that is causes neuropathy some of which can even be irreversable when she goes off of the drug. Her hands and feet feel wird, almost numb all of the time and even her mouth is tingly and annoying all of the time. It also makes her wound up and restless so she cant sleep at night and sometimes she feels so agitated and cant do anything about it. On top of all of that her red blood count has been low and despite blood transfusions , my mom pretty much is literally worn down to the point of nothing for energy. She cannot walk across the room wihtout feeling drained to the point of tears. It has been up and down emotionally which is totally relavent with being so wiped out and miserable all of the time and not being able to do anything. I hate being at work without her and nothing else in our world feels like it did before it all changed a year ago. Its not fair, I want my mom back. I want her to have HER life back !! When i asked her if she felt mad about choosing from one crappy thing to the next but only having crappy options to choose from she said no. "getting mad wont help or change it" I admire her for being strong and positive but for now i cant get past being jaded to Cancer and how it alters EVERYTHING. I know it could be worse and i know im so lucky to have my mom still here and im so greatful for her that i cant even think about it withourt crying because i am selfish and i want and need her here forever, and that is what scares me and makes me jaded ! As Shelley previously posted we had a surprise party for mom Last weekend to acknoledge the last year and let her know she is not in this alone even thought i know sometimes she feels like the world is falling on her. It was so nice to just feel like things were almost normal for a minute just having our family spending a Sat night having a bbq and laughing with each other. If Troy had been there if would have been awesome, and i found myself watching my mom laugh so hard when we were teasing one of the grandkids and i wanted to just freeze time and in my heart i was praying that for even that moment my mom felt "normal " again. I wonder if she ever does at all anymore or if its even possible ? I know once a while back i commented that we were just going to have to find a "new normal " well its really hard to find when every week or at least every 8 to 12 a chemo drug decides for you what that will be. Mom has 2 more weeks of this chemo then they will do scans again and see how it has effected the cancer and then another un normal, "normal" starts for mom. As part of our one year party for mom we all wrote her a letter of some sort and all of the grandkids did a card or a letter or something for her also. When i was sitting with Karson helping him spell what he wanted to write he got all finished up and came back in the room about 5 minutes later with a little envelope he had made to put his card in. He explained that he made the matching envelope so grandma could keep it on her table and just slide the card out and read it whenever she wanted. Then he said to me... " and when she is all done having cancer she can keep it in her drawer in her bedroom where she keeps that kind of stuff." I simply hugged him and told him that it was perfect and that grandma was going to love it, and then i walked away and sobbed. Because we need a miracle to put that card in the drawer. For now it will have to stay on the table, but miracles happen right ? Why not ?.....
Please sent her a note or give her a call and just let her know your thinking about her, she needs it and it means so much to all of us !!
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