NEW DIRECTION

Right before my last post we were waiting for moms last scans. Im torn as to how i should even try to explain all of it. The scans had come back as reading that all of the spots in her lungs had decreased except for one lesion or "spot" that had continued to grow and the areas in her lymph nodes appeared to be clear, which was wonderful news..... However in addition to the spots that are currently in her bones they showed additional large spots in her upper arms and leg bones. They wanted to do and x ray on those specific spots to look at them closer. When i got off the phone with my mom i literally sobbed for hours because at this point i was sure my mom was going to die of cancer. How could it be spreading in her bones in a matter of weeks and the chemo drug they had her on was already killing her. She was living off of ice chips and lost so much weight that she could not walk across a room without needing to sit down. Most of the weight loss being muscle to the point that she told me she felt like her legs would not even hold he up long enough to shower. She had x-rays on Thursday and was schelduled to review them with her doctor the next day. So Friday Shelley and I met my parents at her doctors office. I was sick all night dreading what we would hear and cannot even fathom how my mom's night must have been. Shelley and I both had so many questions we wanted to ask and so many things we did not understand. He started off by telling us about the good news being the lungs and the lymph nodes ant then read us the radiology report " literally read it" so it was kind of confusing. The raidologist stated that the new larger spots were not visible on the x ray and would not appear to be cancer. My mom literally sighed in relief and was so enlightned to not think it was spreading. So i asked him if it is not cancer then what is it ? He said well it could be cancer that is just starting or not showing as cancer yet. The look on my moms face was so discouraging. However through further discussion i learned alot that eased my worry a little. He stated that while having the cancer regress was the ultimate goal. With stage 4 cancer having your cancer stable ( not growing or spreading) was the next best result. He felt like he was confident in saying that my moms cancer was Stable at this time and that she could live "FOREVER" with it staying that way. Obviously forever was just a term and he corrected him self by saying people live a long long time with stage 4 cancer that is contained or stabilized. The down fall to this realtivly good news is several things. My mom will be on chemo most likely for the rest of her life to keep her cancer from growing or spreading. That alone feels like a mixed sentance to her im sure as it changes your entire life and quality of life. Which brings me to the second downfall. The chemo drug that was doing what was nessecary to the cancer was sucking the life out of my mom in the process. She was not actually functioning AT ALL she was alive but not living !! If you had not seen her you wont even comprehend how terrible she actually was. She admitted to me that there were several times when she felt like it was not even worth it. Which breaks my heart and scares so badly. I dont think even her doctor realized how much it had taken from her or what she had endurerd for the last few months. This being said he has chosen to switch the chemo drug to try and find one that my moms body could tolerate better and one that would allow her to function and eat and actually "live." The new drug is one that is know at the cancer center by the people who go there as 'The Red Devil" It's reputation was formed by how awful it was and how sick it made people who were on it. When my mom first started chemo she would just say well im gald im not on that Red Devil that they all talk about..... She was admittedly DREADING starting this new drug for fear of what lied ahead in side effects. However.... we decided before leaving the doctors office that day that everyones cancer expirence was always so different that this could become her " Red Angel" and so far it has seemed to be less of a devil than the last drug. My mom has started to try to eat for the first time in months, and has been Debbie again. We are all holding our breath for the next nine weeks praying that it remains tolerable to her and still continues to hold the cancer at bay. I left the doctors office that day feeling like my mom was not going to die of cancer she was going to live.... Our lives just needed to go in a New Direction ! When i asked my mom if she felt better about things that evening she said she was glad it made us girls feel better, which was emptying to hear. I wanted her so strongly to feel the reief i had felt. But honestly how could she ??? She has to accept the fact that she will have to deal with chemo and its miserable side effects and going to a cancer center and the up's and down's of test results for the rest of her life. How do you take all of that in and not settle into a state of dread and anger or self pitty? My mom of course continues with her incredible attitude and strong resilience. She needs to know that she is not alone or forgotten. If you take the time to call her or even send her a card it means EVERYTHING to her because i know she has felt alone through some of this and has been let down thinking that certian people would be there or come see her. I think people just dont know what to say or do, but right now she really needs to just know she is in your thoughts and that people are there for her. Thank you SO much for those who have taken her dinner or called or just helped us support her it means everything to ALL of us !!! We dont always choose our direction in life but we can always make sure its forward motion no matter what direction we are turned in, and that is exactly what we will do. I recently read a quote somewhere that struck me and is now on a post-it note in my office and at home. It said " What we focus on expands" " Keep it on the Sunny Side " Even reading it this morning before coming to work it made me pause and just acknowledge my attitude for the day and to choose to be aware of it. Stay positive !! I love you Mom!